ENOUGH OF THE RHETORIC WHERE WOMEN HAVE DESPICABLE THINGS DONE TO THEM - WHERE ARE THE PERPETRATORS IN ANY OF THIS?
15 March 2021
This extract from a TED Talk delivered by Jackson Katz has been doing the rounds on social and on WhatsApp lately and it stopped me in my tracks. Not because any of this isn't true, or doesn't make sense, but because it's been staring us in the face and never have I once questioned it.
But then the horrific irony of that is surely the damn problem? As a woman, I'm used to seeing this sort of rhetoric in all walks of life. I'm conditioned to think this is normal verbiage. Women get raped, course they do. It's only when you put these phrases and sentences side by side that the true extent of this inaccuracy, this 'conditioning', is brought before your eyes.
The absolutely tragic death of Sarah Everard at the hands of a serving police Metropolitan Police Officer is frankly unbelievable. And yet her death is not the first at the hands of a man, nor will it be the last. In many ways, I wish the intensity of emotion that has swelled with this murder was also the case when black half-sisters Bibaa Henry and Nicole Smallman were murdered in July 2020 at the hands of an 18 year old man. And if that wasn't bad enough, we later learnt that two police officers had taken selfies next to their bodies and shared them with a group of people. I do wonder what might have happened had they been two white half-sisters...but that's another article for another day.
What bothers me most about this Ted talk excerpt is the normalisation of acts happening to women totally absent of any perpetrators. As if woman ask for it. As if it's because of what they wear, say, do or act that determines whether what happens to them is justified or lawful. Where's the "active agent" in all of this? Conveniently part of the sub-text I reckon...
Even today, as a grown woman, mother of two, my husband (and my mum) fear when I'm out late. "Make sure you share your Uber journey with me when you get in the cab" or "don't sit in a train carriage alone". Now of course, all of this is sensible advice, but I'm not sure my mum would ever tell my brother the same thing.
What I do know is that patriarchy has become such an ingrained, numb part of our lives. That victim-blaming overshadows even factual reporting, especially in instances of sexual and domestic violence. Simply put, we tend to passively talk about violence against women, ignoring the very active role that men, as perpetrators, play in committing.
Being born male should not be seen as a privilege. The privilege in all of this is growing up knowing how to treat and wholeheartedly respect a woman. That woman might be your mum, sister, cousin, auntie, or the girl across the road. This responsibility you owe society."